I believe Iām making headway . Starting the healing process and it feels beautiful. With a twelve hour sleep last night after waking up too early the Ā morning before, yes the ripe time of 3:30am.
Hey letās get back to it. My beautiful life, with you in it. Oh bliss. So if we work backwards on my day yesterday, last evening I had my usual chat and beer with buddy Tom in his garden pub shed called Dieselās Bar! , named Dieselās Bar after their pet cat.. Before entering my usual Friday night slot , I had a staff meet Ā at the Legh Arms in Mere Brow. We chose this pub because itās workers friendly, for example itās in the heart of the farming community. Itās a place where folk can just pop along , chill and reflect on our day.I just love our chats of our lives. It brings us closer together as human beings. Life isnāt just about work, although we all have our targets to meet, donāt we? .
Getting together in my eyes is almost as important, well for me it is.
Moving backwards a few more hours , ah my moving moment of chatting to Gillian my counsellor. We hit on all the important stuff. My events of recent times. We chatted about moments I had with my friends this week. One person In particular hit on something I hadnāt really thought it was happening to me.. in which Iāll tell you about in a minute. I just need to squeeze in a moment I had in Linedancing when a friend said something most kind to me.. Being honest I was thrilled, but also it through me a bit as someone I hold dear as , a friend said something nice about me . Me not in the best mentally high or spiritual place I had a little head wobble! .
Surely a delightful presence in my life, someone saying something nice to me.š„°š
When I say mentally high place , what I mean is , as I explained to Gillian. I feel like thereās a hollowness, a emptiness, or even something broken inside, Ā Gillian asked if it was a Hole ? . I said no , not a hole, just Ā an hollowness. Itās an emotional feeling of edgy, fuzzy, almost teary raw feeling but only when I think about it, like now..
All this stems from my court ordeal , this I felt the need to chat about. What a experience. I wouldnāt wish it on my worst enemy. The opposite advocate trying to undermine me in the direction of my mental health and of course my writing of my feelings.. If thereās mud , theyād make sure it was negative and it would stick. It was like a feeding frenzy of negativity on their behalf. I wouldnāt expect anything less being honest.Ā
This brings me to now , the all important stuff of the Biggest feelings not being spoke at any point apart with my counsellor. This being the loss of my Grandson. Itās simply like an living bereavement and I reckon this feeling is going to take a while to dispel. This is exactly what one of my intuitive friends said to me this week.. She blew my mind when she explained this to me. How have I missed this explanation ? . Surely I ought to have known this? . So somehow Iāve to work my way through these feelings , but I was sooo good to talk on āGolden Fridayā .Ā Though my eye contact wasnāt brilliant again on our video chat, Ā one day Iāll get there with the feeling of inner contentment.š„°š
My feelings of the whole situation and my (or our) HUGE investment, Emotionally, the highs , the lows, the exhaustion of hurtful words being flung around, not to mention the Financial aspect of it , the ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL INCREDIBLE Times spent with our Grandson when allowed to see him under supervision. The supervision I didnāt really mind, because it canāt be said the weāve said something on toward to our grandson.
My smiley fun times with him.. Now all gone . The absolute years battling with the other half of his family have gone to , as well as an original court order of access to see our Grandson. All gone and there is a huge relief. Itās also a relief for us , that it releases all the pressures , thus making the world we live in a little less of a mess I guess, if you look closer to home or spiritually. šBut thereās still a loss in my life and somehow I have to find a way of dealing with it. š
Ā It also gives our Grandson Peace so he can continue with his life in wonders, I hope anyway. We do have six beautiful indirect contacts for each year , plus sending him presents on special occasions. We havenāt got in our proper stamped approval copy of the court order to date, but itāll arrive and itās already started the process of connection behind the scenes. Itās Our Grandsonās Birthday soon, so we are sending a treat through the private social worker forwarding scheme. Privately paid for but a great service. Without this there would be no connection to little one.
Moving on to ā Making my way back to youā . My spiritual connection path begins. Itās all new to me but all I know is something is missing inside and itās a raw feeling and as I write about it , it brings an emotional effect in my eyes. Ā On my travels to Southport town centre yesterday, I had to visit one of my favourite places. The new relocated
ā Waterstonesā book shop . So I bought a book for Susan , it being her Birthday this week. Her book came from the food section and is titledā The Soup Bookā . We like our soups and Susan does a mean tomato and apple soup and her cream of celery soup is divine! too.
Coming to the book I bought with my hollow feeling inside . I came across Gabrielle Bernsteinās book titledā The Universe has your Backā.
Gabrielle is no stranger to me as Iāve come across her on my Personal Growth journey. Iāve never read anything by her and I believe she has a podcast, so it might be interesting..
In the meantime all I can do is enjoy who I am at this moment. Enjoy others peoples kindness and joy. Enjoy my time with my close ones, this is were the scary stuff begins and Iām gonna leave it there .. As my time on me is so important too.
Thank you for your Goodness you give me , your love and fun.
Thank you for being here too.
From my heart to yours,
Positively me .
Edited etc šĀ
All words written in my own experiences.Ā